Fascinate Young Writers Festival

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Wednesday, April 05, 2006

mixed emotions by Kimberley Glacken

I have once thought maybe this was life. No love, no hate, no feelings! My deepest feelings would never be shared. I was so frightened, I didn’t know what to do, scared of this one thing all my life. Face my fears I told my self, but it’s so hard, so confusing. Do you know what its like to wander in darkness? It never stops, it never ends, and it goes on like a story with no ending. Do you know how it feels to be so afraid of something, that you cant do anything about, something that you didn’t ask for or even never thought about? Do you know how it feels?

Its complete and pure emptiness………

As I sit in a room full of people crying, suffering and hurting. I think to myself, why am I not crying? What’s wrong with me? I’ve never once had this problem before and surely enough this is the time to be crying. I am now on my knees, feeling emptiness and shock. Im kneeling at the casket seeing an unmerciful look upon her face, it gets to painful and I suddenly start to cry. Im frozen I can’t move, the only movement in my body is the tears crawling down my face. Oh my gosh, what is happening, why is this happening? This isn’t real I try to tell my self, it is real and it did happen and no it’s not fair but its still happening. As a best friend your job is to comfort them, but I cant! Do you know how horrifying it is to see your best friend lying in a box, covered in ugly silk material, looking so lifeless and not being able to do anything about it, well it’s the worst feeling I have ever uncounted.

I'm being told to move, “its time to start the speeches” one girl said to me. But I can’t move, it’s like im stuck, I reach out to touch Emily’s cheek, but im getting pulled away from the casket. I look up to the girls pulling me away, I know them, well I think I know them, I cant remember much lately. It’s been this way since Friday, ahh I cant even mention Friday with out bursting into tears. Im being hugged now, only I can’t feel it, I feel nothing anymore. What is happening to me, what have I done to deserve so much pain? I start to cry more now and im getting the feeling it wont stop. I look up to the face of the girl that is holding me, trying her best to be calm. She is gorgeous, I know her im sure I know her, it takes me awhile but I remember her, her name is Sarah we have been friends since the 4th grade. Suddenly my thought was interrupted bye someone saying “ good by Emily”, my tears fall faster now and Sarah is hugging me tighter, and says to me in a quiet whisper “ Emily is ok now, she is in a place where nothing can hurt her, she wants you to be happy”. I try to give her a little smile but it is too painful. Ive never ever felt this alone in my life, even though I am in a room full of people I used to know and someone holding me, squeezing me, telling me everything is going to be ok. I normally would trust Sarah but now I am not quite sure. I turn to Sarah and ask her “ is this real, is it really happening, or is this just a nightmare?” she assures me that this isn’t some kind of bad dream and it is true and all this horrible mess is happening.

There is now a skinny looking girl up the front, reading a poem and sharing her stories about Emily, even though Emily hated this girl more then anything. I feel like going up there and pushing the girl away. I catch a glance at Emily’s mother, my second mum, the person who has been here for me since day one, she had helped me through every problem ive ever had. She is looking sadly at me as to say that should be me up there, instead of this girl. There is now a silence and I look to the front, a man walks up and calls my name. I feel everyone’s eyes on me, and all im doing is sitting there feeling more sick then ever and clutching onto my piece of paper. Sarah stands and takes my hand and pulls me towards the stand and then unfolds the piece of paper for me. I look to my left trying to find away out where I can run and hide, but then I see Ryan looking at me trying to tell me to go ahead it’s ok, as I look at the rest of the people they stare at me, as though they can see right through me, and all my emptiness. I look back at Ryan, if it would have been two weeks ago, I would have jumped out of my skin with just the thought of him looking in my direction. I think everyone is getting impatient, Sarah squeezes my hand, and it almost makes me feel her comfort can get me through this. I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out, just tears that fill my eyes. I try again and this is what I say;

I’ll stop loving you when diamonds never sparkle and flowers cease to grow, when thunder doesn’t echo and rivers do not flow, when hearts no longer wonder and when hands never help, when smiles are only memories and hope is never felt, when tress no longer blossom and the stars refuse to shine, when autumn has no falling leaves and winter no longer dies, when time has no more tomorrow and rainbows have no blue, when god alone commands me then I’ll stop loving you.

I had a few more words, but was unable to finish. I was holding my tears back so much my eyes began to blur. I slowly walk back to my place before I forget how to walk, if that’s possible, I mean I forgot how to speak so I don’t see how forgetting to walk is any different. I sit there with my eyes closed for the rest of the service; I don’t want any more tears to fall.

When the service is finished, I want to get out of there as quick as possible before anyone else can feel sorry for me. I give Emily’s parents one last hug for the day and then start to run through the cemetery, there are graves everywhere and it is completely silent. The light grows dark as the clouds gather above me, it starts to rain, and my slow run turns into an even slower walk to catch my breath. Finally I find a spot at the back of the cemetery under a huge tree among the fallen leaves and place my head in my hands and think. This is it, she is gone and I cant do anything about it, I wish I would had been a better friend to her, I don’t understand, why would she do this, how could she do this, did she think of her friends and now I think of all these questions and how they will be forever unanswered.

I have been sitting in this spot, under this tree for two hours but it seems like I have been here for days, I guess time goes slow when you are miserable. Not once has these tears stopped racing down my face, somehow I don’t think they are going to stop anytime soon. It’s dark now and I don’t think I am going to move from this spot, so I decide to lie down, its not like anyone is going to come looking for me. I mean my parents are gone, they have been for 3years now, and Emily is with them now. All I really have left is my brother, but he likes to hang out with his friends and girlfriend, so basically im by my self, just me myself and I… what’s new.

I hear a few leaves crunch at first I am a little scared I have to admit but then I thought I got nothing to loose nor nothing to gain. I don’t move hoping it was someone or something that was going to end this horrible pathetic life I now live. “Dakota, Dakota… is that you”. Great someone I know has found me, I sit up and not make a sound. I squint my eyes to see who it is; from the sound of their voice it is a guy. The person kneels down in front of me; he takes out his mobile phone and shines it on my face. I realize who it is, it’s Ryan. I turn my head fast so he doesn’t see my blood shot eyes. Ryan is now sitting beside me and wraps his arms around me, and gives me the biggest hug I have received in a long time. He then asks me “ are you ok? Oh wait that’s a dumb question” and gives his head a little slap. I don’t say a word, how can I? I hardly know him, so surely he doesn’t expect me to pure out my heart to him, and im not in the nicest mood, so what ever I say will probably be harsh and I would regret it later, that’s if there is a later, and how can I be mean to him, he is just so nice and caring. Ryan is tall, with black hair and the most gorgeous green eyes that you could just stare into all day. Ryan came here from Canada. He came to Australia to see some of his family that had moved here recently. You are probably asking how he knows Emily well let me tell you. Emily really needed some extra cash to see her favorite band behind crimson eyes play and she was really good at the guitar so she thought she would give guitar lessons. Ryan was walking in the shops one day and looked at a notice bored, which had Emily’s details about her classes on it, and he decided to give it ago. I used to think Emily had a thing for Ryan, but she wouldn’t ever admit it to me cause she knew I was kind of keen on him myself. I should be happy right now cause I am sitting under a nights sky full or bright gold stars with a boy I intended to get to know, but somehow this all seems stupid now I kind of almost feel selfish.

I feel Ryan’s eyes on me, I go to speak but he cuts me off, “ive been looking for you everywhere, Sarah and the rest of your friends have been worried about you” he says “pfft worried about me that would be a change they never had once cared for me before so why would they start now’ I snap back. There is a silence I don’t think he knows what to say back, finally he manages to speak.” You know you can’t stay here” he says to break the silence “why do you care what I do” I say back in a bitchy way. “Why wouldn’t I care Dakota, you need someone to get through this with” Ryan says desperately as though he is suggesting he would help me. I cut him off before he can say anything else “ look Ryan I don’t need you help matter of fact I don’t need you at all, I don’t need anyone, every person that ever meant anything to me has either left me or doesn’t bother with me anymore. After my parents died I changed and the only person who would put up with me was Emily and now Emily is gone, I have nothing and I am used to that and I would rather not get attached to anyone else, I cant take this let alone be heart broken when u decide u have had enough and leave me just like everyone else did. I get up and run as fast as I can, I feel so weak but yet I can’t stop. Sean is behind me yelling for me to stop. I fall to the ground, I can’t run anymore. Sean falls beside me, trying to catch his breath and looking at me hoping that I would look at him, but I don’t I keep my eyes shut and try to remember all the good times. I wouldn’t ever imagine myself at a place like this at all, let alone the amount of time I have been here. I have lost count of the hours I have sat in silence waiting for the pain to stop but even I know that’s expecting too much. Soon enough Ryan grows impatient and stands. He’s looking down on me hoping I would join him, but I don’t. “Dakota we have to go you need food and sleep” once again there is silence, I think to me self why bother I mean I have been her for awhile already why cant I just sit here until the pain stops, if it does. I feel Ryan’s hand wrapped around my arm as if he is going to drag me, which he does. As I am being dragged along the surprisingly soft moist grass, I start to feel sorry for him I mean all he has been to me is nice and I’ve been a pain in the ass trying to fight him away. I decide to stop being stubborn and join him on his feet as I rise I don’t say a thing neither does he. The awkwardness of us just standing there is strange yet familiar, I want to walk but I just cant bring my body to let me. Ryan is smiling at me again even though its dark I can tell cause all you can see his is pearly white teeth glowing. I actually grab hold of Ryan’s hand as to tell him to help me, I give his arm a little squeeze and he starts to walk at a slow pace. As we walk we get a little faster so it is a normal pace, I want to let go of his hand but I know if I do I will fall so I hold on tight I couldn’t imagine from just one little touch that I could feel so comfortable and safe me I am going to get through this after all.

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