Nadia's Tears By Madelyn Loadsman

Tears never came to Nardia easily. It was a battle of willpower, a struggle of mind over matter. Her mind had just lost.

Falling gently, the droplets streaked down her ancient face, catching in the laughter lines that were a reminder of her stolen youth. Before a handkerchief was found to erase the silvery trails of despair, a single droplet fell into her lap. Normally this wouldn’t have mattered, but currently resting inside her lap was something she currently treasured more than anything else in the world. A circular splodge appeared on the faded yellow page, barely marring the scrawl of ink that lavishly adorned the sacred paper. Gasping in shock she held the letter closer to inspect the damage.

Fate is sometimes seen as cruel or unkind. In her younger days, Nardia had often seen fate, as something that deliberately tried to foil her at every turn. However, it was only now that she realised fate could be kind as well as cruel. The tear landed exactly next to his last sentence. It was almost as if Henry had known what was to happen sixty years after his death. How else could his last written words to her be so prophetic, so disturbingly ironic? “Don’t cry, my darling. Tears are God’s way of letting us accept. I will never accept a life without you, my shining star.”

A blissful smile erupted from her withered mouth, reclaiming a flash of the beauty she had once so proudly displayed. It was hard to believe, that it had been only yesterday that her nursing home went down to the foreshore on a picnic. Sitting under one of the many old trees, she had fallen asleep. Like most dreams, they slipped further away from memory the more one tried to remember; so she wasn’t sure exactly what her dream had been about. All she did remember was Henry was there, trying to give her something and then seeing an old carving of initials. She wasn’t sure what made her look down at the large, hollow tree roots, but something compelled her to slip her hand into the dark crevice inside that ancient tree. The crevice was cool but not damp and her fumbling hand soon felt something sharp and thin. It was a small, yellow and slightly damaged letter. She decided to pocket it as a curiosity for lonely hours at the nursing home. At first she wasn’t sure, at first she thought her mind was playing tricks, but like magic the last piece of the sixty-year old jigsaw fell into place, and she knew. She just knew it was the letter she had never found from Henry. It was hard to believe, she had found the sacred letter that had been waiting patiently for 60 years to be discovered. It was hard to believe what she was reading now. Questions, she had long given up hope for, now had answers. Perhaps now her heart could mend its deep wounds. Perhaps now she could lay Henry’s memories to rest.

Remembering back to when she had first heard of the tragedy, Noah’s ark could have floated happily on the flood of her tears. Not a day had gone by when her face wasn’t red and swollen, or her eyes weren’t shining the glazed green of someone whose light in life had just being snuffed out. After his death, she often sat under the old foreshore Moreton Bay Fig of their childhood games, to gaze at the sea that had claimed his soul. The gentle swaying of the ancient, gnarled branches had calmed her mind and gave her precious moments of peace, where her grieving could slow to a dull ache. Playful sea breezes tousled her hair, but never once had her yearning gaze at the ocean faltered. Under this haven of lush greens and cool shadows, she relaxed and let the overwhelming sorrow escape from her guilt racked body. Thoughts had raced wildly through her overwhelmed young mind. “Why didn’t he tell me where he was going? Why did that idiot leave when there were gale force winds? Why did he have to leave me? Was there anything I could have done? Was it her fault?”

She could still remember when Henry had promised himself to her. He had carved their names inside the hollow, to hide the extent of their love from disapproving eyes. Her father had been lord mayor of their seaside town, and Henry’s folks, -well they were what her mother called “the dregs of society in need of Christian help and education.” When they were younger, her parents had allowed her to play with Henry. They had made a comical sight. Her in fine, well made dresses and Henry in last year’s charity rags; but as they say, love is blind. True friendship had grown into deep caring and finally into pure love in their teen years.

Consumed by her wandering mind, her hand had slipped down into the small hollow of the tree, seeking comfort. She could still recall reaching into the depths of that tree, and her hand striking something crisp and wafer thin. Hidden within the hollow she found a slip of paper that resembled the corner of an envelope. One letter of Henry’s unmistakeably messy handwriting had marked the ripped paper’s edge. Desperately she had searched for the rest of the letter but to no avail.

After the disappointing search, she had never returned to that tree. Never returned to its calming branches. Never returned to that place of happy memories and comforting charm. Never returning to her favourite tree so she never had to cry for him again. The ache had been so deep that she needed to just stop. Stop the hurt, stop the pain and to stop the numb feeling that spread though out her body when somebody whispered his name.

Nardia shook her head, remembering her simple logic. If she shut off her heart to the world, then those painful feelings would never come back. It had been worth a try. Sixty years of devoutly keeping her promise to herself had taken a toll on Nardia. Once warm and caring, the golden glow surrounding her heart had been replaced by a cold, icy barrier. Shutting herself off from the rest of the world had meant leading a lonely existence. Suitors came and went as they realised she wouldn’t return their affection. Years of silent penance left her voice a husky shadow of the sweet, glorious voice of youth. The once-glistening sparkle of her sea green eyes had dulled to a pasty colour.

The shields around her mind were strong. They fought the desire to break down into tears; they fought to never heal the deep scar in her soul. It was these shields that were peeling away, one by one, as she sat in the musty armchair. The day’s last sunlight filtered through the dirty glass of the window behind her, spot lighting the dust hovering in the air. Glowing golden patterns swirled across the grainy paper, from the shadow of a tree outside.

Earlier that morning, she had plucked up the courage to open the envelope. The yellow paper of the envelope hadn’t been damaged excessively, so she had gingerly pried open the seal, and withdrew the precious folded paper, taking care not to let the mischievous wind, that whipped in from her window, snatch it from her grip. Eyes dancing, she softly read the letter out loud. Welling tears had blurred her vision and threatened to escape, until she forced them to subside.

“To my dearest Nardia

By now you must know my feelings for you. I love you with every fibre of my being and I sincerely hope that you return these feelings just as strongly. How dearly I wish we could marry in God’s eyes right now, but we cannot, until I am able to provide for you and until your family holds me in higher esteem.
Those are objectives I cannot complete by staying here. I need to find a job, and word has come of an opportunity as a miner on the far bay island. In these uncertain times it may be the only chance I have. No one in our hometown will hire me, and as unpleasant work as it is, I believe it will be enough to earn respect and hopefully a larger wallet.
My sunrise, my beautiful pearl, I know that it is short notice but unless I make haste the window of opportunity will be slammed in my face. When you find this letter, know I have not abandoned you. In truth I search for a better future for us. I need you, darling Nardia, and the only way I am going to achieve this is if I leave your loving side for a time. Don’t cry, my darling. Accept our time apart, but remember I will never accept a life without you, my shining star.

Eternally yours, Henry”

After reading the letter for the fifth time, Nardia realised what she was reading. So that was why Henry had left. Powerful guilt remained imbedded in her mind. He had been attempting to secure their future when he had left for a slim chance with a dangerous job. He had died in the squall at sea for the sake of their future. God, she hated irony. She could still remember the powerful emotions that had surged through her when she made that promise to herself. To not cry for him, to never show her pain and never let her heart love another. The promise had been futile and now all she had left were memories and scars on her heart.

In this moment of insight she suddenly understood. Upon reflection, she realised that Henry had lived his short life to the full. Loving and laughing, he had gone into God’s loving embrace knowing he would be missed. Nobody would miss a crotchety old woman who had almost forgotten what it was like to care for anyone. Nobody would care if she slipped into nothingness tonight. Nobody would care, except perhaps her maid in this infernal nursing home, always talking to her, like she really wanted to care. Then there was Henry; he had always watched over her when she needed help and of course there was God. She had always believed in God; sometimes she hated him for taking Henry, but never had she turned away from him. With a sigh of resignation, she finally accepted that Henry’s last words would only mean something if she remained the good-natured woman that he had known and loved. She realised she had wasted the prime of her life. It was too late for regret; she felt her time was short and life was too precious to waste on lamenting. Groaning as she rose from the chair, her frail body shuffled to the window. Fumbling with the lock, her hands were shaking. Was it her old age or did she fear death that much? It had always seemed so far away, but staring into its face was now more than slightly disconcerting.

The latch came with a creak as the window slid open. Framed by wooden eaves, the world looked so simple. A gentle breeze wafted past, carrying the warm, spicy aroma of summer and catching loose strands of hair in its soothing touch. Leaves danced and trees swayed, rustling and whispering as the soft pink blossoms drifted down to create a carpet on the lush grass. Birds, content to live out their short lives in ignorant bliss, sang harmoniously together in the fading light. This was a serene snapshot of life as it was meant to be. The birds in this tranquil and uncomplicated world were, sad to say, happier in their almost insignificant existence than she had ever been.

Deep in contemplation, Nardia almost failed to notice the small sparrow lading on her outstretched hand. It hopped to and fro, chirping. Nardia looked down and smiled. This little creature was luckier than she would ever be and it knew it. It’s mate fluttered to the letter, balancing delicately on the rim. The little birds inquisitively inspected the letter, while chirping a soft song to each other. Watching the two birds frolic and croon broke the last barrier around Nardia’s heart. In a flood of tears, Nardia felt a weight lifted from her as the burden of Henrys confined memories was unleased. His love for her and his sacrifice hit Nardia like a train. She didn’t need a mouldy letter to let her how much Henry had loved her. She didn’t need that letter to justify her previous reclusive behaviour or to prove anything to anyone. She didn’t need it.

Filled with elation, she gripped the letter, kissed it and whispered “goodbye Henry”. With that, she flung the letter out from her window launching her feathery companions at the same time. Spiralling around the fluttering letter as it was caught by the wind and floated out of sight, the birds sang their rejoicing song louder as they flew. Content, after so many years of bitter anger and pent up pain, Nardia sighed with relief. Crawling into the freshly made, warm bed, Nardia snuggled down into the embracing soft blankets. It felt so good to cry, tears fresh in her eyes as she closed them for the last time. Finally at ease within herself, she passed peacefully into eternal slumber. Her unburdened heart was light enough to float gently into her own heaven and into the waiting arms of her long lost lover.